Daisy: an update

Well Daisy is 20 months old today. Physically, she's very petite; my mum weighed her on her scales yesterday and she was just under 23lb. She's mostly in 12-18 month clothes and has size 4F feet. I'm not sure how many teeth she has, but I think she's got them all apart from the back molars. 

She's very active, likes to walk everywhere instead of going in the pushchair, and can climb up and down the stairs on her own. Her eating is pretty good, she will try most things and will feed herself with a fork and spoon. She's recently started eating breakfast properly, after months of barely eating anything at that time of day.

Her speech and vocabulary amaze me - she can copy pretty much any word you say to her, and remembers them quickly. We did start making a list of all the words she can say, as she says so much more than Jamie did at this age, and although I haven't updated it for a while, I would guess she can say 200+ different words. She can also say short phrases/sentences - e.g. "bit more biscuit", "my turn on bike" and the very frequently used "Daisy do it!" - she's very feisty and independent and likes to do everything herself. 

She adores her brother and will run round the house shouting "Jamieeee" until she finds him. She's still a bit of a mummy's girl but is definitely getting keener on Daddy these days. 

She's still breastfed, just before bed and if she wakes in the night. Her sleeping is a lot better than it was, and having her own room now we've moved house has helped, but she still wakes once each night, sometimes twice. I probably should tackle it, but I'm happy with just one wake up for now and I don't want to stop breastfeeding her yet...well, not unless she wants to, and she's showing no signs of wanting to stop at the moment. I suppose there's a risk she won't self-wean and I could still be feeding her when she's Jamie's age...I can't imagine that though and I think once she turns two I might try and gradually stop.

She absolutely loves books and will spend ages sitting being read to, fetching one book after another. Her favourites at the moment are "The Tiger Who Came To Tea", "Mog" and "We're Going On A Bear Hunt". She also loves throwing balls and chasing them, and zooming cars around. After months of wanting to get her hands on Jamie's, she got her own mini micro scooter for Christmas and has already mastered the art of scooting...although as I expected, she now wants a bike because Jamie has one! 

I know I'm biased, but she gets more beautiful every day. She still has auburn hair, with curls at the back, and her big brown eyes are just stunning.

She's such a little character and makes me laugh every day! 

Being the new girl

So we've moved to Tewkesbury and Jamie has just started at preschool, which is a 5 minute walk away. In just about every way, it's better than being in Cheltenham - fab house, lovely, quiet area, huge garden, much closer to the preschool (and school). However, there is one aspect of moving that I'm finding hard, and that's being the new girl. In Cheltenham, I already knew a few of the mums when Jamie started playgroup, and had lots of other friends who I saw regularly, many of whom lived close by. I then got to know a few of the other mums at playgroup, not as close friends, but at least as someone to say hello to and have a quick chat at drop off and pick up time.

Now though, I know no one, and a few weeks in, I'm finding it hard to get chatting to the preschool mums and dads. I'm not the most socially confident or outgoing person, so I've just been trying to smile and say hello each day. There's a small playground next to the preschool, and most of the kids and parents go there for a while after preschool has finished, so we've been going along as well. But it's hard. For the first few days, no one spoke to me at all and it seemed as though they all knew each other really well...I wondered how I'd ever get to know any of them..I did get talking to one mum, and she seemed really nice, but I suppose it takes time to get to know people and I just need to keep being friendly and hopefully I'll click with a few people. I'm still seeing my friends from Cheltenham and elsewhere, but it's not as easy now that we're a car journey away.

Perhaps as Jamie begins to make friends, I'll get to know their parents and can have them over to play sometimes. I've started taking Daisy (and Jamie!) to the toddler group once a week, so hopefully I'll get to know some of the parents who have kids Daisy's age. I've also volunteered to be on the preschool committee, which I hope will be a good way to get more involved with the preschool and the community as well. I'm sure I'll feel more settled once I know a few people, just need to give it time!

Jamie: an update

Jamie is 3 years and 8 months old today...3 and two-thirds - wow! We'll soon be thinking about 4th birthday presents and parties. He really seems to be growing up now, beginning to leaving the toddler tantrums behind...although when he does have a strop, it's a big one! He's adapted to moving to a new house and playgroup brilliantly, and seems really happy and settled at the moment. He still likes a routine, and has his little obsessions, but he's becoming a bit more flexible and adaptable now. I'm starting to trust him a lot more when we're out walking - until recently I would have kept him on his backpack "lead", but now I feel able to let him run on ahead. His eating is also a lot better and he's more willing to try new things.

He's very inquisitive and we are firmly in the "why?" stage - for example:

J: What time is it mummy?
M: Quarter past three
J: Why?
M. Ummmm...because that's what time it is.
J Yes, but WHY mummy?

I have been guilty of using the response, "because I said so!" a lot recently!

He is still very into letters and numbers, and has known the letter names and phonic sounds for some time. He's beginning to be able to blend some simple CVC words, e.g. cat, pig, etc. I don't really push it too much though as I don't want to teach it differently to how his school will. I think the most important thing is that he's interested in words, and loves books and learning new things.

He loves his new bike and has got the hang of pedalling it now. Next challenge will be the removal of the stabilisers! He also loves the Leappad computer thing he got for Christmas and it can be hard to tear him away from it sometimes...but I do appreciate the odd 10 minutes of peace while he's engrossed in it. He likes to looks after the chickens, letting them out in the morning, checking for eggs, feeding them corn and putting them to bed in the evening. He's still into Cbeebies, but less so than he used to be.

He absolutely ADORES Daisy, and I just love seeing the pair of them playing and getting into mischief together. I can see more and more how much he has benefited from having a sibling. They snuggle in his bed together for their stories, and then he gives her a kiss and a cuddle before I take her out to her bed.

I still can't quite believe my little baby boy will be starting SCHOOL in a few months' time! His new preschool is right next door to the primary school we hope he'll be going to, and they seem to have a really good programme for gradually introducing them to the school. After half term, they start doing P.E. lessons once a week in the school hall, allowing them to practice dressing and undressing. And then after Easter, they start going to the school once a week for lunch - a few weeks of packed lunches, and then school dinners. So hopefully all these activities will help to prepare Jamie for starting in September. I'm also looking into getting him some swimming lessons, as I think it would be good for him to be water-confident before he starts swimming with school.

He's a lovely little boy, full of energy, funny, and also quite sensitive. I love spending time with him, he's such good company, and although sometimes I wish he'd just STOP for a minute, it's amazing seeing him grow up and become more and more his own person every day. I'm so proud of the way he's adapted to all the changes in his life recently.

The not-so-good...

So I was going to call this post "The Bad". But I can't think that way, I'm refusing to allow myself to think anything other than positive thoughts about the challenges our family faces over the next few months. I will admit, this is incredibly difficult for me to write about - to put these words down and crystallise some of the thoughts that have been spinning around in my head over the past few weeks - seeing it there in black and white makes it all the more real. But I'm going to try, so here we go.

At the start of December, my mum told me that she had a lump in her breast, and her GP was referring her to the breast clinic for tests. The bottom completely dropped out of my world at that moment, and even though at that point there was no diagnosis and everything could have been fine, somehow I just knew that it wasn't going to be. The week between her telling me, and her appointment at the clinic, was the worst of my life. My thoughts were seriously dark and I was overtaken by this huge, all-encompassing anxiety. I couldn't sleep, barely ate and just existed from hour to hour. My mind took me to the worst places, imagining that she wouldn't see Jamie and Daisy grow up, and I was so angry that this was happening to her. It felt so unfair - why her? She doesn't smoke, isn't overweight, hardly ever drinks, eats healthily. She has worked so hard all her life to support me, and it hasn't been long since she retired. She deserves time with her grandchildren, who she absolutely adores...the thought of her not being there to see them grow just horrified me.

The day of her appointment finally came, and I dropped her at the hospital and then took Daisy home - Mum was insistent that she didn't want us to wait. The arrangement was that she'd call me when she needed to be picked up, but when the phone rang, I just knew it wouldn't be her voice I heard when I answered. I was right - it was a nurse from the clinic asking me to go in for a chat.

So Daisy and I went, and the nurse took me into a room where my mum was, and very gently told me that all the indications were that she has breast cancer. I already knew that was what she was going to say though. The nurse emphasised that it was treatable, mentioned an operation, radiotherapy, hormone treatment. She said my mum would have to jump through lots of hoops, but she would get through it. We went home, and weirdly I think we both felt loads better than we had before the appointment. Just knowing, and being able to deal with some concrete facts, was better than not knowing. My mum had to go back to the hospital two weeks later to see the consultant, and during those two weeks, we barely discussed the diagnosis at all. I rang her more often, and would ask "how are you?" - but she would brush it off and say she was fine. It was always there in the background, hanging between us, thoughts we didn't verbalise. We focused on the house move, planning for Christmas, anything but face the reality of what lay ahead.

On 21st December, we went back to the hospital for the appointment with the consultant. Again, my mum didn't want me to come in with her, so I stayed in the waiting room. I knew she was trying to shield me from the impact of anything she was told, and perhaps to allow herself the time for it to sink in so she could be strong in front of me. I would have been exactly the same - we're very alike in that respect. After a while, I was called in by a nurse, briefly met the surgeon, and then we were left alone for a few minutes. Mum told me that she had to have an operation, which I was expecting - something I know she's very scared about as she has never spent any time in hospital. She was most worried about who would look after her cats and not being able to drive afterwards. I reassured her that I would do everything I could to help - and of course her response was that she didn't want to burden me.

Then the nurse came back in and explained that the biopsy results showed a type of cancer called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma - the most common type of breast cancer. She said it's hormone-responsive, which I think is a good thing as it means hormone treatments can be used to combat it. She also said that the biopsy showed it has spread to her lymph nodes under the arm, so she will have all of these removed as well as the lump. She explained that removal of the lymph nodes puts you at risk of something called Lymphodema, where the arm fills with lymph fluid and swells up if you damage it at all. So after the op she will have to look after that arm very carefully - wear gloves for gardening and washing up, use oven gloves, etc - to make sure that she doesn't injure, burn or scratch her arm in any way. The spread to the lymph nodes worries me, although I know from researching that it doesn't mean it's spread anywhere else, and it's quite common for it to be in the lymph nodes. One thing I read was that it's the lymph nodes doing their job - stopping the cancer cells from going anywhere else.

The nurse said she will probably have to spend 4-5 days in hospital after the operation, and then won't be able to drive for a month or so. She is likely to also have a course of radiotherapy and hormone treatment. Chemo was mentioned, but the nurse wasn't sure whether that was to be part of the treatment programme or not. We came away from the appointment again feeling better to have some idea about what lay ahead.

Then we got stuck into Christmas, and didn't talk much about the operation at all. My mum loved coming to the new house and spending time with us, seeing the kids settled and happy - it was what she'd wanted for us for so long. Eventually a letter came through with a date for the operation - 2nd February. So then she talked a little bit about it, we planned who would feed her cats, how we'd manage the logistics of getting her to the hospital, visiting, etc. But we still don't talk about it much. Even now, when it's only a couple of weeks away, we still barely mention it - we talk about normal things, the kids, our plans for the house, anything really, just to feel normal. It's amazing really, how you can get the most awful, scary news, and then it sinks in and just becomes part of your life. I could never have imagined that before all this happened - I thought it would consume everything, every thought and moment, but it doesn't.

So there we are. It's weird, I wrote several times in this blog last year about how I couldn't believe how lucky I was, how perfect my life was, how it couldn't really get any better. But also how I always felt that awful things were just a heartbeat away...I knew how quickly things could change, you read about it happening to other people, and somehow I felt my luck couldn't last. So maybe I was right. But as hard as it is sometimes, I'm determined to think positive about this situation and think BEYOND it. We will get through it, mum will have to go through some horrible things, but with our support she will come out the other side and will be ok. She will be here to see Jamie and Daisy grow up. She'll see us get our extension built and do up the house. She will be here for all that, I can't think about any other outcome. She's just booked a holiday with her friend for September - so she's thinking beyond it too. If she can do it, then so can I. In a years' time I hope we can look back on this and see how far beyond it we have come.

The good...

So many great things have happened over the last couple of months. After lots of stress and doubt over whether it would actually happen at all, we finally moved house on 14th December. In the run-up to the move, I did feel very emotional about leaving our little pink house, our first home together, where we brought Jamie home to from hospital and where Daisy was born. But we had outgrown it and we were all excited about the future in a new house and new town.

We hired a van and did the move ourselves, which was manic but we just about managed it. And we LOVE our new home. From the moment we unlocked the front door and walked in on move day, it felt like home and as if we belonged. It's dated and needs redecorating from top to bottom, plus new carpets and curtains, but I still love it as it is - it's so spacious compared to our old house, and yet comfy and cosy as well. My unpacking strategy involved shoving any box containing non-essential items into the loft or garage - which are consequently full of "stuff" to be sorted at a later date. But doing that made it easy to get the house looking how I wanted fairly quickly, and allowed the Christmas preparations to get under way! The plan is to get an extension built on the side of the house, hopefully fairly soon, so we aren't planning to do any redecoration or improvements until that's all done.

The neighbours have been welcoming and lovely, and it's great to feel part of a community here. The garden is amazing, we adore it, and seeing the kids running around and enjoying the fresh air is just magic. It's south-facing, so we get the most amazing sunrises and sunsets every day. It's just beautiful and I know we're going to virtually live out there in the summer.We've recently got two new chickens, named Lily-Rose and Elise (after two of Jamie's favourite girlfriends from his old playgroup), and they are settling in well...although Lily-Rose is a naughty one and keeps flapping over the fence from her enclosure into the rest of the garden.

Christmas went well, we had lots of family over and managed to cater for them fairly successfully. Everyone loved the house and it was great to have the space to fit everyone in, compared to our cramped, tiny living room in the pink house. The kids were spoiled, with Jamie getting a bike and a Leappad, and Daisy lots of clothes and Happyland toys - amongst many other things. It all went too quickly though and before we knew it, it was all over and I was itching to get the decs down and get things looking orderly again!

A couple of weeks ago, Jamie started at his new preschool. We had taken the decision for him to go 5 mornings, increasing from the 3 mornings he was doing in Cheltenham. We felt he needed to settle in there quickly and start getting to know the children he'll potentially be going to school with. I was nervous about him starting as he can be very set in his ways and I wasn't sure how well he'd adapt to a new setting, new staff and kids, especially so soon after moving. But he has done brilliantly! I was meant to stay for the whole session on his first couple of days, but after 30 mins on the first day, the staff said I could go home and they'd call if he wasn't happy. They didn't need to call though, and he's been absolutely fine ever since. He runs in happily, waves me goodbye and just seems to really enjoy it. He seems to have come out of himself and got more confident since starting there. One of the best things about moving before Christmas was that I was able to get his primary school application in on time, plus supporting evidence to prove our new house is our permanent home address. So that was a big weight lifted - I just hope he gets into the school up the road, as I'd love him to go to school so close to home - so he can get to know all his classmates and really feel part of the community.

So there we have it, so many lovely things and in many ways we have never been happier. Moving to a bigger house, with room to extend and a huge garden, close to a good school, in a lovely, quiet estate...it's all just perfect really. But just before we moved, we had some awful news which has made the last couple of months very bitter-sweet, and hit home with huge force that you can never know when life is going to take you down a different path.

Long time, no blog

It's been over 2 months since I last posted, so I think we're long overdue an update. As they say, "life got in the way" a little recently, what with moving house, Christmas, settling into a new area and a few other things, and I just haven't had time to post here. I wish I'd kept it up to date, as there has been lots happening, but the longer I left it, the harder it was to know where to start. So here goes!

This stay-at-home mum thing

So I've been a SAHM for 6 months now, although I was on maternity leave for the year before that. I absolutely love it, would not change it for the world and feel incredibly lucky to be able to do it. Sometimes I think back to 2 years ago when I was juggling work, a toddler, housework, etc, and I realise now just how stressed and unhappy I was. Obviously, I had some great things in my life, and it wasn't all bad by any means, but I hated never having enough time, never being able to give 100% to anything, always feeling stretched and compromised.

Now that's all changed and I love being home with the kids, feeling as though I have time to really appreciate them. It sounds silly, I feel as though I can breathe now, whereas before I was gasping for air. When I think of all the cuddles and laughs and tiny little moments I'd miss if I was working, I never for one moment wish I was back there.

But...I do sometimes wonder about other people's perceptions. Sometimes, when I'm asked what I do, I feel a bit inadequate saying I'm "just" a mum. I often lead with, "well, I used to be a teacher, but now..." because that makes me feel a bit more valid as a person. I wonder whether people see value in what I do, at home with the kids. Yes, a lot of it is mundane: housework, picking up toys 1000 times a day, ferrying Jamie to preschool and back. But I do also feel there is huge value in me just being there for them, spending time with them and listening to them.

Anyway, as I said, I do love it and hope I can continue to be a SAHM for a good while longer.